Tips #26

During the Cold War, the United States engaged in a nuclear weapons strategy with Russia known as MAD, which stood for Mutually Assured Destruction. The strategy involved expanding our nuclear weapons arsenal to such an extent that Russia would have to be "mad" to attack because if they launched a nuclear missile, the US response would ensure the complete annihilation of Russia and perhaps the world. With the MAD strategy in place, both countries engaged in an arms race, building larger and larger nuclear arsenals, trying to prove that each could blow up the world more times than the other. Fortunately, the weapons that were created were never used, but the strategy nearly bankrupted both countries.

In our relationships with others, we sometimes unconsciously adopt a MAD strategy. We choose friends and lovers who reinforce our bad behaviors. In MAD relationships, both parties feed off of each other, the one causing the other to escalate her or his bad behaviors. Yes, staying in MAD relationships is surprising, but we all know probably people who do this. It may be the result of choosing friends who share our undesirable characteristics (birds of a feather) which causes conflicts, or it may result from entering into co-dependent relationships, where we mutually support each other's undesirable behaviors. These relationships are usually fun at the beginning but they grow increasingly volatile as the partners spur each other on.

In my work with college students, I often find that the students who are earning bad grades, who do not attend classes, or who are getting into trouble have friends who are doing the exact same thing. When I talk to them individually, they seem to be nice people who want to do well in school, and they sincerely wish to do better, but they are held back by their MAD friends. Things just get worse and worse for them, until everything finally blows up.

As you start the new year, think about your friends. Are they MAD? When you tell them that you've missed a class, do they respond by telling you that they missed three? When you are trying to get some work done, do they twist your arm to party? In other words, are your friends going to help you achieve your goals? Do you predict that they will graduate or will your friends drop out? This year, make it a point find more friends who will promote your academic success and stay away from those who reinforce your less desirable characteristics.

Unfortunately, we often do not need the help of others to create problems; we can do that all by ourselves through SAD: Self-Assured Destruction. Yes, we are often our own worst enemy. We knowingly do things that harm us, and we put off doing things that we know will help us. We smoke too much, we drink too much, we don't eat right, we don't get enough sleep, we don't exercise, etc.--these are the sort of things that new year's resolutions are made of. Are you like most people who make resolutions but fail to keep them? Why do we often fail to keep our new year's resolutions? One reason is that we often look for a simple solution to our problems. If we are trying to quit smoking, we think to ourselves that we'll just gradually cut back a little each week until we quit. Simple solutions to a difficult problem like smoking is a start, and a represents a praiseworthy ambition. But without planning, without setting specific limits and objectives, and without monitoring our progress we'd be likely to fail. Someone who merely decides to gradually cut back has forgotten that she or he will need to 1) stop drinking alcohol because (s)he'll then lose their ability to say no, 2) stop going to the places where people smoke for a while, 3) stop drinking that cup of coffee in the morning that (s)he associate strongly with pleasurable smoking 4) stop hanging out with her or his friends who smoke and will loan her or him a cigarette 5) reward her- or himself for the progress she or he is making and 6) plan how to handle his or her withdrawal symptoms. Another example of a simple solution. If we are overweight, we think that we'll just eat less. That seems easy enough. But we forget that if we want to succeed, we will probably need to exercise, to change our buying habits, to avoid restaurants, to set specific goals, to weigh ourselves each week, etc. Quitting smoking and losing weight are really hard because we have to change many things about ourselves to avoid SAD. It is often our ways of thinking about ourselves and our lifestyle that have to change in order to eliminate bad habits like these.

When I work with college students who are having academic difficulties, they often expect a simple solution. It is true that sometimes there are a few specific things that they can start doing to help dramatically. However, many students, especially those who are doing really badly in school, have to change their attitudes, their approaches to learning, their study habits, and their lifestyles. Some even become trapped in a SAD cycle. For example, they do not get enough sleep, so they are tired when they go to class. Since they are sleepy in class, they take poor notes. When they should be reviewing their notes or reading the textbook, they are heading back home to the dorms to take a nap. Then, in the early evening, when they should be working on their assignments, they are distracted by their friends who are all back in the dorms. They are not tired by 11:00, so in the wee hours of the morning, at the last minute, they try to complete their assignments. To break the cycle, these students have to change a number of routines and establish a different set of priorities. This, of course, is hard.

It is much better to be GLAD than to be MAD or SAD. The GLAD strategy involves making a GLobal ADjustment. For example, if your new year's resolution is to do better on tests, do not simply resolve to brush up on your test taking skills. Ask yourself a lot of questions. Are you reading the textbook before each class lecture? Are you reviewing your notes after class each day? Are you using active strategies to learn the materials? Are you studying in a distraction free environment? Do you have a regular study schedule? Are you testing yourself over the materials? Are you talking with your professors, tutors, or other support staff when you have questions? Are you getting enough exercise and sleep? Are you finding ways to relax and unwind? Are you breaking down your big projects into small parts? Are you setting clearly defined goals and monitoring your progress? Are you doing your work ahead of time? Changing one thing will may require you to make a number of adjustments; it may even require that you eventually begin to think of yourself as a different person.

For many people, it is difficult to change everything at once--to make a global adjustment. So you may need to focus on one or two things to start with, then gradually adjust other related behaviors and attitudes. Do not rest your hopes for a better academic year with a simple solution. View the simple solution as a starting point, and work on making necessary changes in various aspects of your academic life. You'll be GLAD you did.