Tips #20

It did not hit me until my parents and I were saying goodbye while standing in the quad outside of Dennison Hall. The tears were welling up in my mom's eyes as I shook my dad's hand. My heart sunk as I watched them get into their car and drive away. Turning to climb the steps to my new home, I knew that I was truly on my own. This was not the kind of liberated "on my own" feeling that occurred when my parents left town for a weekend. This day marked a new phase of my life. I was filled with loneliness, excitement, and fear as I strode down the hallway of the second floor to enter my tiny dorm room.

I was 18 years old. While growing up, I had my own bedroom--I never had to share. My mom did most of the cooking, shopping, and laundry. High school was not terribly challenging. I worked part-time, mainly for spending money. My parents took care of most of my needs. I had never been away from home for more than a week or two. Until the moment that my parents left me standing beside the residence hall steps, I thought that going away to college would be easy.

Once they left, I realized that I would be living with two young men that I had just met that afternoon, taking classes alongside students and college professors who did not know me, and trying to find my way around a campus and town that I had only visited a couple of times. Well, the size of the town would not be too big of a problem since Oxford, Ohio was small in those days. There was a bank, a clothing shop, a general store, a convenience store, a record store, and a handful of bars along its two block long main street.

I had to meet people and try to make friends every day. I found that I had taken many things for granted. I was afraid I might do or say something that made me look foolish. Would I fit in? Could I keep track of my assignments and do well on tests? There was no homework to turn in which was a relief; however, the tests were the only thing that determined my grades. Down deep, I wondered if I could make it on my own.

It took me a while to get used to things. Everything happened all at once. I had to get along with my roommates. Going to classes on time was up to me. Finances were my responsibility. There was no one around to motivate me to study. There were all kinds of temptations. I had to learn to appreciate people's differences and to develop new interests.

Handling all of these new situations was tolerable for me because everyone in my residence hall (and several thousand other first-year students) were in the same boat. Some people tried to act cool, but I could tell that they were putting on an act. I soon learned that I had to think about what really mattered to me and to take responsibility for my actions.

The fear that I felt on my first day at college diminished considerably after a couple of nights. My two roommates were in fact a little strange, but they weren't scary. The excitement that surrounded the newness of everything faded after a couple of weeks. I established a routine fairly quickly, and I found that I had developed a few good habits to fall back upon. The loneliness waxed and waned during the first semester. At times, especially when things weren't going well, I missed my parents, our house, familiar places, and old friends. After the first semester, however, I came to think of Dennison Hall as my home.

By the year's end, I had dealt with some problems--problems with one of the roommates (who ended up moving out), problems because I broke some residence hall rules, and problems with relationships. However, I was successful academically. I was proud to have lived on my own for nine months. I learned a great deal about myself, and I changed many of my attitudes and beliefs. I saw my parents, friends, academic endeavors, career, and life from a different perspective than I did while in high school. Looking back, I remember more about that first year in college than I do about my next four (or was it five) years as an undergraduate.

Since those days long ago, I have talked to hundreds of students about arriving at college. From these interviews, I have developed a short list of recommendations that may help incoming students to make going away to school a more positive experience:

1. Put forth your best effort. Doing well scholastically is your most important concern. In other words, be sure that you take care of business. Don't miss any classes, turn in all of your assignments on time, spread out your review time, study for your tests, and seek help when you do not understand. Avoid making excuses.

2. Get involved. Don't wait around for someone to ask you to do something. Seek out groups to join and participate in new activities. Meet people; look upon everyone you encounter as a potential friend. Do not hang out in your room all day watching television or playing computer games.

3. Be yourself. Don't waste your time trying to impress people with your athletic abilities, your wardrobe, your intelligence, your daring, your talents, or any of your belongings. Avoid doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. Alcohol is typically at the root of most of the serious problems that occur on college campuses; if you stay away from it, you'll be far less likely to get into serious trouble. Find out what is really important to you and behave in ways that make you feel proud.

4. Develop tolerance. You'll be meeting people from different countries, races, backgrounds, and religions. Learn to listen to others. You will learn far more from people who are different from you or who disagree with you than from people who have had similar experiences or hold the same beliefs as you do. Develop a diverse group of friends.

5. Set goals. These could be academic, social, personal, or career goals. Spend a little time thinking about what you would like to accomplish each day, week, month, and semester. You will be amazed at how much you will achieve and how much you can grow if you strive to improve in a focused way.

I experienced many different things during my first year in college. Some were positive; others were negative. Overall, I was pretty fortunate. Not everyone is as lucky as I was. I've known students who ran up huge credit cards bills, who were arrested for creating false identification cards, who were dismissed from school for vandalism, who had violent confrontations, who partied too much, who became depressed, who were arrested for dealing drugs, and who were caught cheating on homework or tests. They weren't quite ready to make the transition from high school to college or from childhood to adulthood. Fortunately, these students are a small percentage of the students who go to college. The vast majority of 18-year-olds are eager to make friends, are willing to learn, and are hoping to make the most out of their college experience. They manage to make new friends, settle into the residence halls, succeed academically, and stay out of trouble.

You need not be scared or lonely. Just be yourself and be open to new ideas and experiences. Take charge of your life and look for ways to develop your potential. You won't believe how fast nine months will pass by and how much you have grown in that short amount of time. Your parents helped provide the foundation for your life. When they say good-bye to you, it will be up to you to start building for the future.