What is Sexual Assault?

In legal terms, sexual assault is sexual relations against a person's will and without consent. Some sexual assaults are committed by "strangers in dark alleys" but they may also be committed by someone you know who lives next door. Sexual assault by a friend, date, partner or casual acquaintance is the most prevalent form of sexual assault on college campuses. It is predicted that one in seven college women will be raped before graduation, and 90% will know their attacker. While the figures are much smaller for men, they also experience sexual assault.

Sexual Assault Awareness Week  October 11-15

 

The following information is designed to help you heal after a sexual assault:

 

What to do if you've just been sexually assaulted

  • Get to a safe place.
  • Contact someone who can help you: a friend, the police (911), or other campus and community agencies.
  • Do not shower, drink or eat, douche, or change your clothes. These activities destroy important physical evidence in the event that you decide to prosecute the assailant.
  • Get medical attention. You may have hidden injuries and may want to explore options for preventing pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.
  • Write down everything that you remember happening, with as much detail as possible. This can help with your own healing process and in any legal action you might decide to take.

Remember - You are not to blame, even if:

  • Your attacker was an acquaintance, date, friend or spouse.
    You have been sexually intimate with that person or with others before.
  • You were drinking or using drugs.
  • You froze and did not or could not say "no," or were unable to fight back physically.
  • You were wearing clothes that others may see as seductive.

The Aftermath

How am I going to feel?? Am I going to go crazy??

Sexual assault is a crisis, and we all handle crises in different ways. Though each person and situation is unique, the following list summarizes the range of reactions to sexual assault that may help you know what's normal to expect.
Emotional Shock: I feel so numb. Why am I so calm? Why can't I cry?
Disbelief: Did it really happen? Why me? Maybe I just made it up.
Embarrassment: What will people think? I can't tell my family or friends.
Shame: I feel so dirty, like there is something wrong with me. I want to wash my hands or shower all the time.
Guilt: I feel as if it's my fault, or I did something to make this happen.
Depression: How am I going to get through this semester? I'm so tired. I feel so helpless. Maybe I'd be better off dead.
Powerlessness: Will I ever feel in control again?
Disorientation: I don't even know what day it is, or what class I'm supposed to be in. I can't remember my appointments. I keep forgetting things.
Triggers: I keep having flashbacks. I'm still re-living it. I see his face all the time.
Denial: It wasn't really a "rape."
Fear: I'm scared of everything. What if I'm pregnant? Could I get an STD, or even AIDS? How can I ever feel safe again? Do people realize there's anything wrong? I can't sleep because I know I'll have nightmares. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I'm afraid to go outside. I'm afraid to be alone.
Anxiety: I'm having panic attacks. I can't breathe! I just can't stop shaking. I can't sit still in class anymore. I feel overwhelmed.
Anger: I want to kill the person who attacked me!
Physical Stress: My stomach (or head or back) aches all the time. I feel jittery and don't feel like eating.

Getting Back on Track

It is important for you to know that any of the above reactions are normal and temporary reactions to an abnormal event. The fear and confusion will lessen with time, but the trauma may disrupt your life for awhile. Some reactions may be triggered by people, places or things connected to the assault, while other reactions may seem to come from "out of the blue."
Remember that no matter how much difficulty you're having dealing with the assault, it does not mean you're "going crazy" or becoming "mentally ill." The recovery process may actually help you develop strengths, insights, and abilities that you never had (or never knew you had) before.
Talking about the assault will help you feel better, but may also be really hard to do. In fact, it's common to want to avoid conversations and situations that may remind you of the assault. You may have a sense of wanting to "get on with life" and "let the past be the past." This is a normal part of the recovery process and may last for weeks or months.
Eventually you will need to deal with fears and feelings in order to heal and regain a sense of control over your life. Talking with someone who can listen in understanding and affirming ways-whether it's a friend, family member, hotline staff member or counselor-is a key part of this process.

Unique Issues Faced by Male Survivors

There is great societal denial of the fact that men get sexually assaulted. The need to deny the existence of male sexual assault is partly rooted in the mistaken belief that men are immune to being victimized, that they should be able to fight off any attacker if they are truly a "real man." A closely related belief is that men can't be forced into sex-- either they want it or they don't.
These mistaken beliefs allow lots of men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think of sexual assault as something that only happens to women. Unfortunately, these beliefs can also increase the pain that is felt by a male survivor of sexual assault. These beliefs leave the male survivor feeling isolated, ashamed, and "less of a man."
No wonder so few men actually get help after being sexually assaulted. The fact is that only 5 to 20% of all victims of sexual assault actually report the crime-- the percentage for male victims is even lower. Feelings of shame, confusion and self-blame leave many men suffering in silence after being sexually assaulted.
Below are some of the unique problems and concerns that male survivors may experience:
For most men the idea of being a victim is very hard to handle. We're raised to believe that a man should be able to defend himself against all odds, or that he should be willing to risk his life or severe injury to protect his pride and self-respect. How many movies or TV shows have you seen in which the "manly" hero is prepared to fight a group of huge guys over an insult or name-calling? Surely, you're supposed to fight to the death over something like unwanted sexual advances...right? These beliefs about "manliness" and "masculinity" are deeply ingrained in most of us and can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for the male survivor of sexual assault.
Many male survivors may even question whether they deserved or somehow wanted to be sexually assaulted because, in their minds, they failed to defend themselves. Male survivors frequently see their assault as a loss of manhood and get disgusted with themselves for not "fighting back." These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them aren't necessarily true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive-- there's nothing unmasculine about that.
As a result of their guilt, shame and anger some men punish themselves by getting into self-destructive behavior after being sexually assaulted. For lots of men, this means increased alcohol or drug use. For others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or co-workers or even picking fights with strangers. Many men pull back from relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated. It's easy to see why male survivors of sexual assault are at increased risk for getting depressed, getting into trouble at work, getting physically hurt, or developing alcohol and drug problems.
Many male survivors also develop sexual difficulties after being sexually assaulted. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the assault, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time to get back to normal so don't pressure yourself to be sexual before you're ready.
For heterosexual men, sexual assault almost always causes some confusion or questioning about their sexuality. Since many people believe that only gay men are sexually assaulted, a heterosexual survivor may begin to believe that he must be gay or that he will become gay. Furthermore, perpetrators often accuse their victims of enjoying the sexual assault, leading some survivors to question their own experiences. In fact, being sexually assaulted has nothing to do with sexual orientation, past, present or future. People do not "become gay" as a result of being sexually assaulted.
For gay men, sexual assault can lead to feelings of self-blame and self-loathing attached to their sexuality. There is already enough homophobic sentiment in society to make many gay men suffer from internal conflicts about their sexuality. Being sexually assaulted may lead a gay man to believe he somehow "deserved it," that he was "paying the price" for his sexual orientation. Unfortunately, this self-blame can be reinforced by the ignorance or intolerance of others who blame the victim by suggesting that a gay victim somehow provoked the assault or was less harmed by it because he was gay. Gay men may also hesitate to report a sexual assault due to fears of blame, disbelief or intolerance by police or medical personnel. As a result gay men may be deprived of legal protections and necessary medical care following an assault.
Some sexual assaults of men are actually forms of gay-bashing, motivated by fear and hatred of homosexuality. In these cases, perpetrators may verbally abuse their victims and imply that the victim deserved to be sexually assaulted. It's important to remember that sexual assault is an act of violence, power and control and that no one deserves it.

Ways to Take Care of Yourself

Get support from friends and family-- try to identify people you trust to validate your feelings. Spend time with people who know your strengths and positive qualities. Try not to isolate yourself.

Talk about the assault and express feelings -- you can choose when, where, and with whom. You can also decide how much or how little to talk about.

Use stress reduction techniques -- hard exercise like walking, jogging, biking, swimming, weight-lifting; relaxation techniques like yoga, massage, music, prayer and/or meditation.
Maintain a balanced diet and sleep cycle and avoid overusing caffeine, sugar, nicotine, alcohol or other drugs.
Take "time outs." Give yourself permission to take quiet moments to reflect, relax and rejuvenate -- especially during times you feel stressed or unsafe.
Try reading. Reading can be a relaxing, healing activity. Try to find short periods of uninterrupted leisure reading time.
Consider writing or journaling as a way of expressing thoughts and feelings.
Release some of the hurt and anger in a healthy way: Write a letter about how you feel about what happened to you. Be as specific as you can. You also can draw pictures about the anger or hurt you feel as a way of releasing the emotional pain.
Remember you are safe, even if you don't feel it. The assault is over. It may take longer than you'd like, but you will feel better.
Get into counseling. The EIU Counseling is here to help you.

For Family & Friends

Remember - After a sexual assault, the person needs to:

  • Obtain medical assistance.
  • Feel safe
  • Be believed.
  • Know she or he was not at fault.
  • Take control of his or her life.

Things you can do to help -

  • Listen-don't judge. Try simply to understand the survivor's feelings.
  • Offer shelter. If possible, stay with the person at a comfortable, reassuring place.
  • Be there and give comfort. The survivor may need to talk a lot or at odd hours at the beginning. Be there as much as you can and encourage the survivor to talk to others.
  • Encourage the person to seek professional help. (See list of Campus & Community Resources below.)
  • Be patient. Don't try to rush the healing process or "make it better."
  • Accept the person's choice of what to do about the rape - don't be overly protective. Ask what is needed, help the survivor list some options, then encourage independent decision-making, even if you disagree. It is very important that the survivor make decisions and have them respected.
  • Put aside your feelings and get support for yourself. It may be too overwhelming to deal with your angry feelings on top of the victim's. If you have strong angry feelings or feelings of blame toward the survivor, talk to a friend or call a hotline.

Campus & Community Resources

Emergency Phone Numbers:

  • 911
  • EIU On-Call Counselor Pager— (217) 348-2909
  • Sexual Assault Counseling & Information Service (SACIS)— (217) 348-5033
  • University Police—(217) 581-3212

Individual & Group Counseling:

  • EIU Counseling Center: 581-3413

The above information was reprinted, from multiple sources, from the Counseling Center Village.