College students have many opportunities to meet new friends and develop enriching relationships. Such relationships can make the difference between a positive and negative college experience. It is important to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, and to know how to make choices to preserve the former and improve the latter.

Some Hallmarks of a Healthy Relationship

• Mutual respect and civility
• A sense of reciprocity, or "give and take"
• Feeling supported and supporting the other
• A significant degree of trust and honesty
• Fairness and equality as adults
• Comfort with emotional intimacy or closeness
• Comfort with distance and "separateness", or being able to have your own life apart from the other
• Open, direct communication without fear of reprisal, hidden agendas, or manipulation
• Good "boundaries", or being able to set personal limits with self and others

While no relationship is perfect and we all have bad days, students should be able to evaluate their relationships and feel, on the whole, that they are positive and healthy. If they are less than healthy, steps should be taken to improve them. Such steps involve assertiveness and listening. If you have concerns about the state of your relationships with family members, friends, roommates, co-workers or others, call the Counseling Center at 581-3413 for assistance.

What is relationship violence?

Relationship violence (dating or domestic violence) is the actual or threatened physical, sexual, verbal, emotional or economic abuse of an individual by someone with whom they have or have had an intimate relationship.
Relationship violence is a silent epidemic. It is rarely discussed and rarely seen because abusive partners frequently appear charming in public, but violent and angry behind closed doors. However, relationship abuse is the leading cause of injury to women. Although it occurs in heterosexual and homosexual relationships, the predominantly repeated pattern appears to be a male abuser and an abused female.
Does your partner or former partner:

• Always have to be right?
• Anger easily?
• Hit, punch, slap, or push you?
• Constantly criticize you for little things?
• Force you to have sex against your will?
• Humiliate you in front of others?
• Stalk you or check up on you all of the time?
• Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
• Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
• Try to control where you go, who you see, what you do?

An atmosphere of isolation and silence can sometimes support a pattern of violence. Seek help if you feel you are in an abusive relationship.

What are some warning signs that my partner may become abusive?

Your dating relationship is potentially dangerous if you…

• Are afraid of your partner’s temper and anger.
• Feel you are responsible for your partner’s feelings and behavior.
• Have become isolated and have few friends other than your partner.
• Give in easily to demands because you are afraid to "upset" your partner.
• Have grown up to expect abusive behavior to be a part of your life.
• Are afraid to end the relationship because of your partner’s threats of suicide or other violence.

How can I help my friend who is abused?

Your friend’s inability to walk away from an abusive relationship probably baffles you. It’s frustrating to see friends stay in violent relationships, but there are often tough obstacles to overcome in order to get out of such relationships. People may stay because they fear for their safety, not knowing what violent actions their partners will take if they leave. An abused partner may still receive emotional support and social enjoyment from the partner, making one feel optimistic that problems of violence will resolve on their own. One may attribute the partner’s abusiveness to situational factors such as stress or alcohol, refusing to believe that the negative behavior is a reflection of the partner's personality. If the person has been forced to give up other friendships, the partner remains an important source of support. This social isolation is dangerous because it contributes to the sense that there is nowhere to turn. Therefore, the best thing to do if you suspect a friend is being abused is to let them know you are a reliable and trustworthy friend. Express your concern calmly in a private setting and let them know the options for getting help and go to the police if there is a fear for safety.